The Perfectly Honest Single Parent Post
Hi my name is Amy and I’m a single mother. I have a two year old daughter from a previous (domestic abusive) relationship and she has nothing to do with her father. I am not just a single mother, I’m a sole parent. I make all the decisions in regards to how my child is raised and I also am the only person who sets rules and boundaries. My daughter attends nursery five hours a week. Aside from that, she is with me.
In the blogging world it appears to be frowned upon to admit your child is anything less than perfect. Like with everything in life as far as the blogging world goes, if it isn’t picture perfect, it isn’t worth writing about. I don’t actually read ANY purely parenting blogs. I felt like it was a form of “baby groups” where everything is a competition, you know “oh my baby was walking at 10 months” “reciting her two times table at a year” “speaking french at a degree level by the age of three” etc etc. Some days I feel like a bad mother as it is because I had to shout at my kid in a supermarket because she’d thrown some tins of beans in front of a trolly that was being pushed by an elderly gentleman without coming online and reading how everyone else’s two year old is a saint. My daughter isn’t a saint. Yes, she has fantastic manners, is pretty much potty trained during the day apart from maybe two or three accidents a week and can count to twenty. But she is going through the terrible twos, and I don’t need to be made like it’s my parenting that’s to blame.
I don’t think I’m the best parent who ever walked the earth. I know I make some big mistakes as a mother, sometimes on a weekly basis. Some days I feel like it’s a constant battle, if it’s not me shouting “no!” it’s her! Today for example. In the morning when we were doing things she liked, such as painting, drawing, playing with her toys and dancing to music, it was fine. But as soon as we had to go do some chores, which you cannot escape taking your child with you if you are a single mother such as a post office run, a grocery shop and since my parents are on holiday, feed the cat. It all changed. She didn’t want to get dressed, she didn’t want to go in the pushchair (but had I let her walk by the time we reached the bottom of the hill she wouldn’t have wanted to walk anymore), she didn’t want to queue for the post office. Again, once we reached my mum she played happily while I cleaned, but as soon as we had to go, once again.. another battle ensued. I’ll admit I tried reasoning and then bribary but ended up battling her into the car seat and letting her cry all the way home. At home, she was fine having her dinner, doing chalk drawings and doing some more dancing.. but by bedtime, we had to battle again. By this point I was in tears, I was exhausted and I was so sick of trying to reason with her. I won’t lie, there was a LOT of shouting, both me and her. She threw all her toys out of her bed. It lasted a long time, lots of trips up and downstairs and a lot of crying from both of us. You know why I was crying? Because I had to be angry, I had to be cross, I had to be the bad person who told her little girls have to go to bed at 7pm. I had to stand my ground. I’ll be the first to put my hands up and say in a lot of ways, she gets away with a lot. I do often treat her like the sun shines out her bottom because she’s all I have but when it comes to bedtime I try my hardest to stand my ground. But the truth be told, I hate it. And afterwards I feel so guilty I often cry until I’m sick.
I feel so guilty because I am the only one doing the disciplining. I’m ALWAYS the bad guy and I don’t have anyone to back me up. Sometimes, yes I do snap at her when I’m stressed, but most of the time she simply needs to know if she’s doing something that is naughty. She needs to know that when I say something it’s usually for her benefit like eating her dinner (and if she doesn’t she needs to understand she gets nothing else), taking a bath, getting suncream/eczema cream on, not flashing her pants, getting dressed, playing nicely, sharing… these are all things she needs to learn and if I don’t teach her, who will?
I have to keep reminding myself they don’t call them “the terrible twos” for nothing. That I’m not the first mother to have to cope with this and when it’s all over, I’ll be the mother able to offer the sagely advice. I’m doing the best I can, and my daughter is always praised highly 80% of the time. She can be super well behaved when she wants to be, she’s smart, funny and incredibly loving. But dare I say it, she can be a complete brat at the times. I don’t want her to always get her own way, sometimes I do have to tell her to get outside and I won’t let her have a DVD on because I want her to be the best she can be. There is so many expectations of parents now and so many dos and don’t flying around the internet I often feel like I must be doing it wrong. That maybe I am a terrible parent and my daughter would be better off with someone else. I fought so hard and so long to keep her, but maybe that was wrong. Maybe she throws tantrums because i’m doing it “wrong”? I loose sleep at night over this idea, that I’m wrong.
The one difference though between being a mother and being in a shitty relationship is every morning it is a fresh start. No one remembers all the bad stuff that happens the day before, no one hates each other and tries to punish each other. Tomorrow Little Miss and I will get up and she’ll tell me she missed me while she slept and I’ll say how much I love her. In my relationship with her father he’d punish me every single day. At least I know she won’t do that. And even though we both cried yesterday and we both shouted yesterday, each day is a new day and an attempt at being better, both of us.
I don’t think there are enough honest blog posts about parenting out there. Ones that tell you it’s okay to shout and it’s okay to cry. That every day you get a chance to try again. Even though as I right this at 10 past 9 and I can still hear her running around in her room while I’m sat down here sobbing my heart out and being brutally honest on a medium that could make me feel worse than I already do, simply for telling the truth, I know that tomorrow I will sweep her up in my arms and all this will be forgotten. I don’t have that person to tell me “it’s fine, I’ll go” when i’ve been upstairs for the millionth time to tell her to go to sleep.. or someone to cuddle me and tell me that “it’s okay”. I don’t have anyone to take a turn, to make a suggestion or to be the one who says “no”. I do it all myself. So when I look around the other blogs of parents with children my age and they gush about how much of a little saint their child is, I do feel like a failure.
I never chose this, when I fell pregnant I didn’t think I would be the one doing everything alone. And even though I could be making a huge mistake sharing this post with the world, about my short comings as a mother dealing with a two year old madame, I wouldn’t change it. Because the alternative still gives me nightmares. Leaving was the best choice, and even on the days I feel like I’ve failed not just myself as a parent, but my daughter, deep down inside I know if I wasn’t tackling this alone, I might not even be alive to write this. Because after all we are both alive, and we do love each other more than I have ever loved anyone or anything else.
So if you’re reading this, and like me you feel so alone because your child isn’t a picture perfect saint and you do feel like you’re failing, remember, I’m here too and I feel the same as you. But one day we’ll all look back on this and realise it was only one small part of motherhood.. and when our children are 18, we’ll wish we could do it all again.
In other news, I might start my own version of reasons my kid is crying…
12 Comments
Catherine
I’m not a mother, let alone a single one but I think what you do is absolutely amazing!
I don’t think I could ever be as strong as you seem to be and you seem like an amazing mother! Your daughter will grow up to be amazing for having you as a role model 🙂 x
Jessica
I’m not a mom, but sometimes I feel like others romanticize being a mother. I think what you’re doing for your daughter is amazing. I’m sorry you have to yell at her, I can imagine it’s not the greatest and then you’ll convince yourself she didn’t deserve it. One day she’ll see all the good you’ve done her and all that you’ve taught her. Sounds to me like you’re a very good mother because you’re doing your best for her. I don’t think you can do anything more than that. I like how honest you were here. I’m not a parent but I can only assume that it’s not always sunshines, daisies, and tea parties. The terrible twos will be over soon and before you know she’ll be a crazy teenager ;D Haha, not sure if that makes you feel better but just know you’re not alone, and you’re very lucky to no longer be in a dangerous situation and have your parents there to help you when you need it 🙂 xx
Catherine Delves
Such a moving, honest post. I’m not a parent but I’ve read a few parent blogs and this is so refreshing in comparison. You sound like you’re doing a great job and despite this difficult stage of your daughter growing up you’re being a firm yet good role model.
Catherine xx
http://www.youwishyou.com
Nik
I’m not a parent but I have all the support and awe in the world for people who leave DV relationships. I’m the child of one and I know that I’d rather have one un-perfect parent than live with that. She is a lucky girl to have you and you seem like a great mum and a strong woman. You don’t know how much that will mean to her.
L ♡
This is the most beautifully honest blog post that I have ever read. My Mum brought me up as a single parent due to my Dad being very mentally unstable, and as Grow older, I become more and more grateful for her and for what she did when I was just a baby, every single day. i’m sure your little girl will too. Keep your heart strong because she appreciates every little thing you do, and will come to appreciate it more. Those footsteps upstairs are just reminders of your strength. Keep being the best and only mother you can be to her, she loves you through the tears and the shouting xxxxxx
Catherine Beck
In my 8 years of being a mother I have both loved and hated it on many occasions. The times when I have felt most like a terrible failure and a horrible mother have mostly been bedtimes.
Knowing I have to stand my ground, but listening to myself and knowing I sound uncaring and mean has always really torn me up. Many times I have sat and cried and wondered how I can get through more nights of the same.
My first daughter is from a previous very very bad relationship and I was a single mother too. As someone who has been there and done it alone I really appreciate how hard it is. However in truth we have to remind ourselves that we can only do our best, we and our kids are not perfect.
I don’t read parenting blogs either, and very rarely write about being a mum on my blog mainly because I don’t want to portray a perfect picture of parenting that would be inaccurate.
Well done for such an honest heartfelt post, that made me feel really normal! xxx
Josie
Well done on being so honest! I’m not a parent but I’m sure so many parents will be nodding their heads reading this. Kids can be little gits at times and there’s no shame in admitting this. Even if you don’t shout or get frustrated and cry they’d still tantrum because that’s just what 2 year olds do! You sound like you’re doing a wonderful job, you can tell just from this post alone how much you love and care about your daughter. She might not appreciate it now but she’ll be so grateful to you for teaching her right from wrong (and to not flash her pants!) xx
Katie Humphrey
Parenting is bloody hard work, even when there are two of you! I cannot imagine how difficult it can be to go it alone, like you say, with anyone to rebound off.
I blog about my family and I try not to make it all sound picture perfect. I have written in tears after horrendous parent evenings and when I knew one of my children was lying etc.
Not once have I had a bad word for it. Don’t be afraid to write the truth. I think the world is a better place for knowing that being a parent isn’t all glitter and bows!
Josie
Reading this post was so refreshing. It is lovely to see someone being honest. I’m not a mother but I am the eldest of five siblings so I’ve had a hand in raising them, and from the sounds of it you’re doing an incredible job. Yes, you’re always bad cop, but bonus is that you always get to be good cop too. Just as your daughter is your whole world, you are hers, and nothing can change that. You should be seriously proud of yourself, she sounds like a loving, happy child x
lamourjosie.com
Bel Smith
I’m sure you probably know how I feel about all this. As a mum, and once a single mum, I know how hard it can be. When I was first a single mum, Lily was 2 and on top of that I had Megan who was 5. It was a hell of a handful, even though the previous 5 years I might as well have been a single parent. Even now, with Chris, I sometimes feel like I’m on my own. He doesn’t discipline, I’m always the bad guy. When I’ve reasoned with Lily, time and time again to get her to go to bed and in the end shouting at her is the only way that works, no one understands why I come downstairs and cry. Why I hate that it got to that point.
I too hate when parenting blogs make it look like everything is perfect. When they are the perfect parents and have the perfect child and live in a perfect world. It’s not real. But then sadly I find that in all aspects of blogging to be honest, not just parenting.
I don’t personally blog about the bad times of parenting, or at least not that I can recall. I don’t tend to blog about the bad times at all. While my blog is my outlet, those moments are also the times I tend to take myself away from the internet. While no one wants to look bad on their blog, that’s not why I don’t. I suppose its partly because I can often end up feeling worse, for writing about it and making it more real? And then afterwards, when its been and gone and I don’t feel so bad… I just want to move forward.
While I know you’ve been honest a lot on your blog, especially about the ex, I really did feel proud of you writing this. You’re not a perfect parent, but who is? And LM isn’t perfect either, but to you she is… because a love for a child is unconditional. The tear between telling them not to cry and hugging them better, will always be there. The desire to knock their head against a wall, versus wrapping them in your arms and telling them you love them even when they’re stupid. Terrible twos or not, it will never change. Megan is 9 now and its never ended for all the years inbetween now and 2. It doesn’t make you a bad parent though. It just makes you human.
I wrote loads lol… chin up, like you said, tomorrow is always another day. Kids love unconditionally too.
RainyDayCupcake
Not a parent, but this is an absolutely wonderful post! You’re completely right, honest parenting and honest blogging is what’s needed! Children are difficult, wonderful wee beings, and you’re doing an amazing amazing job with Little Miss. Well done Amy 🙂 xx
Hayley Warren
This is such a great post, I love how honest you are. I’m sure a lot of people feel the same way but are too scared to talk about it. Nobody is perfect and nobody’s kids are perfect. People only need to spend five minutes with you and LM and it’s clear to see just how much she adores you and the great relationship that you two have. When she grows up she will appreciate you even more, you’re doing a wonderful job and have the most well behaved and polite two year old I’ve ever met. She’s also got the best imagination! I can’t wait to see you two again soon and have tea and cake from her wooden kitchen. You’re truly an inspiration and I hope that when I have children I’ll be as good a mother as you are xxx