5 Reasons I Don’t Think I’ll Have Any More Children (and Why I’m Okay With That)

Last month I turned 30. I still can’t believe I’ve been alive for three decades if i’m perfectly honest, I still 100% behave like a child and still like all the same things I did as a child. I may have even had a slight crisis in the run up to it, and I definitely had a few moments where I considered all the things I would have done differently over the last 15 or so years.

However, one thing I am completely proud of is how I’ve raised LM all by myself over the last 6 years. I’ve built us a life on the back of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and social anxiety, and on the whole, LM has turned out to be a wonderful child. I’m a completely different person to why I was before becoming a mother, and unfortunately it’s not all for the better. I used to be outgoing, I’d let my individuality shine, I could meet people and feel comfortable. I looked after myself. Now as a person I’m a bit of a mess and I feel anxious every day. To have raised LM to be the child she is in spite of all this is quite a feat, but it’s been so hard. In fact, it’s been so hard that now she’s a proper functioning human, I’m unsure if I could ever go back to having a baby.

People ask me all the time if I’ll have more because LM is such a good child and a few years ago my answer was yes, 100% but now, I’m not so sure. My answer often shocks people, I always wanted kids, three kids in fact, for as long as I can remember and although I do still get “broody” I just don’t know if I could put myself through it again but some how it’s become expected that once you’re of a certain age you should reproduce, and for some reason the fact that LM is well behaved means people expect me to have more! So here are 5 of the reasons I don’t think I’ll have anymore kids, and why I’m okay with that;

I’m Still Single
And I don’t know if I can ever date again. I’ve kind of made peace with it in the same way I’ve made peace with not having more children. Letting someone in is so hard for me. After what happened with LM’s father, I feel irreparably damaged and I think with that amount of baggage it’s hard to let anyone else in. Don’t get me wrong, I feel so lonely sometimes. I look at all my friends in their relationships and yeah, it hurts. But you know what hurts more? A break up. A couple of years ago I let someone in, I trusted him and I thought this time I’d finally got lucky. I worked so hard on my issues, supported them, and 2 days after Christmas he gives me the “it’s not you, it’s me, lets still be friends” line, after all the stuff he’d fed me 8 months earlier about making it work. It took me so long to let him in and trust him, I don’t know if I can do it again. I think I’m broken for good now, and putting myself into a situation to get further damaged stops me being a good mum. So why is this a reason why I don’t think I’ll have any more kids, pregnancy gets risky the older you get and I’m already paranoid about hospitals and illness, having a baby in my mid-30s would turn me into a basket case worrying that things would go wrong.

I Love Our Life
Okay, say I did meet someone who was okay with my baggage, a baby changes everything. Not being able to find time to work to bring in enough money to fund our life would be a huge problem. I like going on holiday as much as I can financially afford, I like buying LM whatever she wants for Christmas and her birthday. Unless my financial situation changed big time, I can’t see me every being able to afford a second child without sacrificing a huge amount from our life. Yeah, it’s not perfect, I’ve had to chose between adventuring or material possessions, I don’t ever have money to do up the house or really treat myself any more, but it’s okay. I fear if I had another child I’d have to give up the adventuring as well, because even with a second income a baby is still a huge cost.

I’d Worry They’d Never Have the Life LM Has Had
Every one always tells you that your heart grows to ensure you can love another child as much as your first but does your bank balance grow with that? As much as I wouldn’t want to give up our life, I’d hate that my new child wouldn’t get what I’ve given LM. So far she’s been to Disney 14 times (10 times to DLP, 4 times to WDW) with another two trips to Disney parks planned this year, I’d want to give a second child as magical a childhood as LM had. I’d feel like it was only fair but how on Earth could I afford that while trying to balance looking after two kids. Trying to work between school runs is already hard enough without working between feeds and sleepless nights too. Where would I get the money to take a second child on all these amazing adventures? The guilt of not giving them the same childhood would eat me up. Little Miss has had the most amazing, magical childhood ever, it would be so hard to repeat it for another child.

The Baby Years Are Hard
Anyone who says otherwise is a total liar. Yes, having a baby is a wonderful magical experience, and one you usually do when you’re right in mind and with someone by yourself, but heck even if I had that, I’d still think the baby years are hard. Of course, I always loved LM. She was my light at the end of a very dark tunnel, she’s why I kept fighting but if I compare those first 3 years with the last 3 years I had, I know which was better, and it was those where LM was a proper little person rather than a baby. The changes, the sleepless nights, the feeds, the doctors appointments, the tantrums, the weaning, the potty training, it was all so hard. For me, I had a picture in my head of how I wanted to raise LM, and yes all that hard work was totally worth it to have an independent, smart and polite child, but I’m not sure I’d want to do it all again. Life is still hard, but in different ways as we have school and social situations thrown into the mix, but it’s a hell of a lot easier than the years before speech and when she was totally dependant on me.

Little Miss Is Perfect
Well of course not actually perfect, but she’s the child I always dreamed of and the older she gets the closer we grow. What if I went back and things weren’t so easy and it strained the relationship I have with LM? I always wanted a daughter, a smart, funny, pretty and respectful little girl and I got the complete added bonus of her enjoying the same things I do. She’s creative, she loves art, music, dance, theatre.. she’s just a pleasure to be around. I got exactly what I wanted in a child. She eats well, she goes to school happily, she sometimes gets a “huffy head” on but I can talk her out of it without an argument. What if I went back for a second child and it all went pear shaped? Of course I’d love my child, but do I really want to tempt fate? They always say you never get two the same! What if I got a child like what I was like? An isolate spoilt brat who always thought they knew best, that’s what I was like as a kid! There is only so much nurturing over nature before their genetics kick in!

If it happens, it happens. Maybe if I met someone who really wanted kids and I was so in love with them that I though “why not?” but as of right now, if it only ever ends up being LM and I for the foreseeable future, it won’t be the end of the world. I’m blessed, I know I’m blessed and I count those blessing every single day. Despite everything I went through to get here, I know I’m lucky to have had one. Sure, I’ll disappoint people who “expect” me to have more, but at the end of the day, it’s my body, my life and my choice.