I Feel The Fear
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Since turning twenty five back in March, I can now officially say I’m in my mid twenties. I’m a single mother, unemployed, living in my home town. At my bleakest moments, I feel what I call “the fear.” This isn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want to be back here, on my own, with a child and no job prospects. I wanted to be so much more ever since I was a small child. I dreamed of getting away, seeing the world and yes, I’ve had a few holidays but it’s hardly the same.
As bloggers we always focus on what our hopes and dreams are, and apart from the odd mention of a spider phobia no one ever really mentions what they’re afraid of. Well I’m afraid of a lot of things, and I mean a lot. Being single and separated from my closest friends means I rarely get to air the things i’m afraid of. I’ve been sick lately and this has caused my mind to wander and worst of all, it’s caused me to think about all the things i’m afraid of in the future. Not just my ex, or the possibility of illness, yes they keep me awake at night but they don’t fit into what I call “the fear.”
The fear for me is worrying that because I’m trapped up in the north I’ll loose my friends. I used to always be the one who could just upsticks and go visit. Now I can’t and with each passing day my parents get more reluctant to look after Little Miss over night for me. I haven’t seen two of my friends since May, my other best friend, since August. I worry I’m always missing out on things because I can’t just sit up late and chat to them face to face. I miss them like crazy, every day. Sometimes a form of social media just isn’t enough. I’m so afraid because I don’t feel I can function without them.
The fear for me is also that I will never amount to nothing. That I will always only be good for a waitress and that scares me. I want to be more than that. I want to earn enough money to support my daughter and be something. I’m taking evening classes because I want a real job, one where I can earn money.. where I can give my daughter everything she deserves and more. But the economy scares me. The fact that people with first class degrees can’t even get a part time job at the moment! What chance do I stand?
The fear for me is that one day my little girl will come to resent me because of the fact I am her only constant in her life. That her father has no real contact with her and that I made sure that it was court ordered. I know it’s 100% for the best but what if she doesn’t see that? What if she would of wanted me to try harder with her father? Even though I did, I tried my hardest and gave it my all.. What if she hates me for it. What if she doesn’t believe that it was for the best? That what he did to us is unforgivable. That she and I deserves better..
And the fear for me is that I will never be able to love again. I’m so afraid that history will repeat itself that I’m unsure I’ll ever be able to jump again. Not that it matters. I never go out the house to meet anyone anyway and I guess the biggest fear for me of all is that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. That I’ll never have anymore children, I’ll never get to feel happy while being pregnant and i’ll never get to have a real family. The husband, the children.. the works. I’m so afraid i’ll never feel love again. That being alone is my life sentence.
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I know I should be grateful for all I have.. and I am. I am so thankful for my beautiful little girl even if she drives me up the wall some days. I’m thankful for my half decent health and my home and my family and of course my friends who put up with all my weird insecurities. But I am still afraid and no matter how much I tell myself it’s all in my head.. when I’m alone it sneaks up on me. It suffocates me and consumes me. I want to take control of it. I want to conquer my fear. I just want everything to be okay. But no one knows what tomorrow brings and until someone invents a way to reassure us in our darkest moments, I’ll just have to continue to look for inspirational quotes on Pinterest to help keep my sanity.
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What are you afraid of?
14 Comments
Alice Rose
I have similar fears and although I know I’ve not been through the same thing at all, I feel stuck. Trapped in a place where ill never get to be something. It doesn’t matter how much good stuff you have, if you can’t make something of your life then it feels like a waste. Just remember that you are god in the eyes of that beautiful child and no matter what you are an excellent mother x
Sara T
You’re not the only one! I’m 21 and very thankful that I now have a job, but I feel trapped, especially living at home. I miss living with people, going to the pub when we were bored and I just don’t feel like I have any time for myself to even think anymore, it’s horrid!
Be thankful that you have a special little someone in your life though, and keep pushing. You’ll soon find opportunities coming along, both job-wise and location too 🙂
Núria
I fear keep getting bad results in my PhD. Around me I can see amazing people doing amazing stuff, but that’s not my case. Well, I should say “I fear getting but results because I didn’t try enough”.
I think it’s good to list your fears so you can try to change some things in order to reorient your life and make it more accordant to your wishes rather than your fears. Even I don’t success in my goals, if my dreams are crushed I want to stand up again and be proud of myself because I tried my best to make it work.
Issy Goode
I hear something similar from my boyfriend daily. He’s got a big fear that he’ll end up in a job he hates and will never achieve his dreams. Everyone has fears, and it’s good to have them, but you shouldn’t let them take control. I’m sure your daughter will never resent you, ever. My sister had her children quite young and she always worries that she’ll spend her time only looking after them and not do the things she loves at the same time, but now she’s started an OU course and is really happy with where her life is going.
Things get better with time and I’m sure you’ll find a job, a place you love and will be happy with everything soon 🙂
xx
Maddi
You’re definitely not the only one! I’m 21 and I’ve just handed in my notice at work with no new job to go to! I’m fed up with working in Customer Service and need to do something different with my life. But where do you even start?
I’m positive your daughter will never resent you and that you’ll find a job soon! Don’t lose hope, keep looking and I’m sure everything will turn our just fine for you
xx
Belle du Brighton
Dont ever worry she will resent you. When she is old enough to understand she won’t hold it against you.
The future is unknown, of course, but please don’t let that make you fearful, instead look at it like a challenge, a challenge to explore every corner of all the opportunities you get! You never know what’s around the corner!
Chin up and stay strong x
Rebecca Halliwell-Sutton
Hey Amy,
Your brave for airing your feelings…I often feel better once I’ve got ideas out of my head and onto paper..it seems more manageable!
Everything you have written sounds very familiar..My Mum had me when she was 25. She went through a nasty divorce and I have never heard from/met my biological father and it does not bother me. You and your daughter will have such a special bond through it just being you and her against the world! So whilst I was barely a toddler my mum decided to start over and went to Uni to study Photography, She says how it was a struggle and how poor we were but i was oblivious and have the best memories of growing up! A few years later she met the man i now call my dad,She also set up a successful photography studio,she then had my sister Ella and the rest is history – we all lived happily ever after =p So there is always hope! I would recommend sitting down and thinking what your dream career would be and just go for it with all guns blazing! Regardless of the job market at the moment if you show passion and drive there will be somebody out there who will give you the job you’re after! And it sounds like your already on that path by doing evening classes! So well done 🙂 And you will defiantly find love again! Go out and get it! All the best, and keep us updated! Lots of love Becca x
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MissMelvis
Your daughter won’t resent you. She may say hurtful things sometimes as she’s grows older, because you’re here and Dad’s not. You’re the one she’ll aim things at because she can. But as she grows older, she’ll realise that it was his fault, not yours and that you did your best for her. I know, I’ve been there and I feel no resentment towards my Mum, I never did even if she thought it sometimes when I was being a moody teenager.
xx
hurny2009
Can I just said I read something about being a mummy and being a friend yesterday and I’ll say to you the same as I said on that post. Real friends understand that having a little one is a full time commitment and you might feel like you’re missing out but friendship is a two way street.
You’ll never let your little miss down because you’re her mummy and she is going to love you no matter what.
And no matter what age you are you can always achieve! My best friend is doing a business management course whilst being a full time mummy there are places you can go to that will support you if one of your main goals is getting a career. In my opinion, being a mum is a massive job commitment within itself. And if you ever did want a career you can use the skills you’ve learnt as a mother on your applications and CV. It’s organisation, time-keeping, attentative.
You don’t need to fear anything, you’re doing fine 🙂
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Kate H (UK Bloggers)
Sorry about the massive comment! xx
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Tinuke Bernard
Such a heartfelt and real post, you know what, the very fact that you can verbalise these fears says so much about you. It says you know what you want and means you WILL accomplish so much. Being fearful can be good, it means you will be able to set goals (which you have – well done on the evening classes!) and you WILL be in a happier and more fulfilling place soon enough xxx
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Kate Pirouette
Oh Amy, bless you for being so honest and so open. Little Miss will know what a wonderful mother you are, and have been to her. There is no way she will resent you for putting her first. It’s only natural to feel the way you do, and in many ways a good thing to question life and consider where you want to be. I know it sounds trite, but you really never know what might be just around the corner for you!
Love and hugs to you my dear xx
Kate
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Liz
I always get feel The Fear too… Sometimes I think that all you can really do is keep going and keep doing what you can day-to-day. Everything else will happen in time, even if it doesn’t exactly happen in the way that you planned it! I hope!
Liz xx
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Sammie Foster
Everyone thinks like this from time to time. Your friends will be there for you weather you see them everyday or once a year. Take each day as it comes and if you feel down then remember things can only get better.
Sammie
Little Blonde Life
withredribbonsx
Firstly, love this blog your doing a great job 🙂
I think everyone has the fear in some form, I just hit my mid twenties too and some of my fears freeze me. In contrast I fear never being a mummy, and speaking from the perspective of someone in-love, fight daily with the insecurity of loving someone so much that every little negative comment hurts and that at any time they can decide not to love you anymore (maybe that’s a fear stemming from bad relationships but still) Some days I yearn for the single life of not worrying. You seem like a lovely person and I heavily believe in karma, good things will come even though it feels like it’s all against you! x