Life

#171 Living with Anxiety (for lack of a more witty title..)

July 26, 2013 /
Credit here
At the end of every relationship, we accumulate more baggage. In the past decade I’d say I’ve had four boyfriends who have left me with baggage after we’ve parted ways, however the first three were nothing compared to the relationship I walked away from last May. Not only did I walk away with a child, a broken computer, a cracked iPhone screen and a hell of a lot of a bills to pay on a house I didn’t live in for the last five months of the tenancy.. but he destroyed my state of mind. Completely and utterly shattered it. Not just because of the kind of relationship it was, but the fact we have been waging a war ever since. That’s the thing when you have a child, or even in some cases, shared property, you don’t get a clean break. I am the QUEEN of clean breaks. I do not remain friends with exes (unless they were more friend than boyfriend) and I do not stay in touch for the awkward “i’ve moved on conversation” instead I, or a friend, usually finds this out through social media, THEN I have the slight relapse. Of course with having a child, there hasn’t been a clean break and perhaps that’s the reason why 14 months later, I still haven’t recovered.
In the beginning I had the usual break up problems, the uncontrollable crying, the grasping at straws and trying to analyses where it all went wrong. This was followed by serious self doubt, self esteem issues.. then I had the usual hating myself for sticking with him for so long and although these issues are still there… nothing compares to the anxiety issues I now deal with on a daily basis.
Credit here
I’ve done the phone conversations with the victims of domestic abuse lines, I’ve spoke to the nurse, my solicitor, my family, I even tried to talk to a therapist online.. nothing is helping and since moving into my new house, alone with my thoughts from 7pm to 7am, I’m really struggling. So I’ve come to my blog, to air how I feel, in hope that getting it out there makes me feel better like it did the other couple of the times I wrote about some deep issues. After all this is a lifestyle blog, and sadly at the moment, my anxiety encompasses my life for 12 hours a day. I say 12 hours because although I do spend a lot of time glancing over my shoulder, when Little Miss is awake I have her to focus on which keeps me well out of my head. She’s my sunshine (98% the time anyway, haha).
Even writing this I feel short of breath and a head ache coming on, I know I’ll rush off into the kitchen before I’m done to take a couple of Kalms anything to stop the on set of a panic attack. I’m lucky I know my triggers and I can prevent one happening. Anything related to that man and it sets me off, a solicitor letter, contact from his mother.. anything. I feel nauseous just thinking about it.
While I lived at my mothers, it was my safe house. I knew she was there all the time to make sure I was okay. That he couldn’t get to me. Now, I’m open and exposed. The living situation has been the best thing for Little Miss, her sleeping has improved ten folds in less than a week. She has her own space, her own toys and a routine. Me however, I feel like i’m going backwards. I haven’t slept properly yet as I lie awake at night and worry he’s out there, biding his time. I’m up and down checking for a car I don’t recognise parked near my house.. listening for every sound. It’s a nightmare. Sometimes I end up holding my breath for minutes then I struggle catching it again. Eventually I can convince myself out of it, that it’s all in my head, and I can manage a few fitful hours of sleep. Now Little Miss basically sleeps through I should be catching up on the 18 months of sleep i’ve missed out on, but no. I lock and double lock my doors, I daren’t leave a window open, even a crack, a night because I’d be terrified he could get in. It’s pathetic and I hate myself for feeling this way, for always watching over my shoulder because if I don’t.. well I feel dizzy thinking about the alternative…
This isn’t me, I didn’t used to be like this. When I met him I was the best ever version of myself both in looks and self esteem. I was vivacious and happy to be alive. Perhaps that’s what attracted him to me, he saw someone he could completely destroy. Now I struggle to even make conversations with strangers and I’m even worse when it comes to being alone with a man I don’t know. Hell even when I first moved home I had issues with my dad, I couldn’t trust him, I couldn’t believe him. He was a man and this is what men can do. With my looming final court date I know I’m not ready to move on. I want someone to like me, maybe even want a relationship with me one day but the thought of being somewhere other than out in public or god forbid being intimate with him fills me with fear and again I feel the anxiety rising to dangerous levels. Dates I could do, but anything else? I’m not so sure. I want to be loved, I want to be adored and I now feel the familiar pang of envy of other couples but as much as I want it, I’m not sure i’m mentally there. I sometimes go as far as bursting into tears because I feel like the damage is irreversible.
On September 2nd I have to face him and I’m terrified. More than terrified. But I’m doing it for my daughter. I’m going to fight her corner because it’s about her. Not me. They don’t dole out compensation for abused partners unfortunately. It’s about custody. It’s about making sure that they make the right decision for my daughter! And that is why I’m going to be there.
I never imagined that I’d ever be someone who suffered from anxiety but it just shows that you never know what is around the corner. I feel much better for sharing this and I hope there is someone out there who understands where i’m coming from, although I hope to God it’s for a very different reason & cause than this!

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22 Comments

  • hannahhotcakes

    July 26, 2013 at 9:36 am Reply

    I was really moved reading this Amy and I love your honesty. I haven’t been in your situation before but your focus on your daughter seems to be the way forward through all of this.
    Stay strong and keep smiling x

  • Kariss Ainsworth

    July 26, 2013 at 9:43 am Reply

    Amy it is incredibly brave of you to write about this, take credit in that. The timing of it is relevant for me because I used to get a lot of anxiety when I was younger and it had slowly been getting better. However recently its been back and i don’t know 100 percent why (it could be a number of things) I keep having panic attacks, bad dreams and i keep finding myself pacing for no reason cause my mind is racing. With you its no doubt what the issues are and I wish there was a way I could help. I’d love to tell you it’ll get better, and it will eventually, but for the next few months it will be hard, but your such a strong and brave person. A lot of people would have bailed, but you’ve stuck it out in your new place, built a new home and life for you and liv and started moving forward in your career, even in the face of everything. You should be really proud of yourself, your amazing, and you know where I am if you need to talk

    Kariss

  • Toni

    July 26, 2013 at 9:56 am Reply

    Aw I’m sorry you had such a bad relationship and that you feel like this now. What a pathetic man, thinking he is big and clever from completely destroying a person.The blog is a good place to vent, and you have your daughter at least 🙂 and you’ll have loads of people supporting you. Things will get better eventually, just surround yourself with good people and you’ll be fine!

  • Beth B

    July 26, 2013 at 8:39 pm Reply

    well done for writing this, i totally understand where you’re coming from but not with the same reasons as you. I hope everything gets better for you and your daughter 🙂 xxx

  • Chelsea Joan

    July 26, 2013 at 9:11 pm Reply

    Amy you are such a wonderful person, so brave for writing this and so strong for your daughter. I really wish I could wave a wand and have everything fixed for you, but I know once you are on the other side of this you will be a better person (mentally and that). I hope the nights get easier, and that you can fully begin to enjoy your own little sanctuary xxx

  • Katie

    July 27, 2013 at 7:31 am Reply

    As someone who also suffers from anxiety, I would like to say “thank you” for such a beautifully worded article. You are so brave for coming forward and writing this. All the best to both you and your daughter! XOXO

  • Scarlett Fashion Blog

    July 27, 2013 at 10:05 am Reply

    Very brave post amy. I really respect you for being so open. I too suffer from anxiety, but have been through anything like you have. Let’s hope after 2nd September you can start to get back to how you were before. Big hugs xxx

    • Amy Marie

      August 5, 2013 at 7:13 pm Reply

      Thank you Karen, I feel like there is being a big push on being open about mental health and what better place than on my blog. It’s a safe place for me 🙂 I hope things do improve after the 2nd September, I want to look back at the end of the year and see how far i’ve come 🙂

  • Hayley

    July 27, 2013 at 10:40 am Reply

    You’ve been so brave to write this. Little Miss is so lucky to have you, you’re a wonderful mother and you have nothing to worry about because the judge will see that.
    Anxiety is a bastard, I always have some Kalms on me too but I think it makes it better when you can talk about it! x

  • Sophie Wearing

    August 7, 2013 at 7:55 pm Reply

    What a difficult thing to go through, like you say, it’s bad enough anyway let alone when you are on your own for the thoughts to come uncontrollably. I always find my anxiety is worse when left with my own thoughts, the only thing that has helped control them is to accept them rather than fight them, have self compassion and rationalise, and also distract myself with activities. I really hope 2nd September is a good day for you and I hope the days get easier. xxx

Thank you so much for taking time to read my blog. I appreciate all comments & will check out any links to blogs. It's my readers that often make my day! - Amy x