#63 An issue kept quiet; domestic abuse
The statistics say that this is one of the most under reported crimes, that nowadays one in four women and one in six men will suffer abuse at the hand of a loved one.
Maybe this isn’t a smart move, to post about what i’ve been through on a public blog but finally I feel brave enough to speak out in hope somewhere out there I can help someone who hasn’t yet escaped a situation that was once so familiar to me. It’s hard to even write this knowing there could be consequences from a certain someone, who I’m sure still traces my every movement. Maybe this will clear up why there are no photos of my daughter, why I only mention her in passing, it’s all because there is someone out there who is still hell bent on making my life a misery. I’ll mention no names, no places, no times only some facts.. I want you to know that if you’re going through what I went through, there is help out there, there is someone who will believe you and will help you.. but above all.. you’re not alone.
The government describes Domestic Abuse as
“Any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adults who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality.”
and the following can be said true of a perpetrator
- He is not violent with other people i.e. his boss
- He is able to stop and compose himself if the police arrive or the doorbell rings
- If he uses physical violence he is able to choose where to cause visible injuries – often in places where others can not see them
- He damages the victims possessions but rarely his own
It’s clear to me now that I was in a domestically abusive relationship. I have had help realizing that this is what I went through, what I managed to escape from. For a long time I tried my best to ignore it, to deny it, then eventually try to move on from it but it was so life effecting that I have had to seek help. And although on paper, he has denied it ever happened, I know it did. I remember it every day and will remember it every day for the rest of my life.
The abuse consisted of mainly emotional and controlling tendencies.. but I won’t deny the violence anymore (nor will I go into it, it’s too painful to remember). I hate being called a liar, even now. I am not a liar. Why would anyone lie about this?! He used to check my phone, my emails, my social media sites, my external hard drive. He’d go through my documents and he hid my diary. He lied to my friends to encourage them to stay away from me.. I was a social butterfly and he was slowly crushing me.I loved this man so much, I never once thought he was capable of hurting me.. now I know better and I worry what else he’s capable of.
In the beginning, when it first started, I blamed everything else apart from him. I know now it was him. I was a victim.
I got to the point I seriously considered suicide and attempted it on more than one occasion. I saw no other way out. I’m only still here today because of my daughter.. she was the one who kept me trying with him and the one who ultimately swayed my decision to leave. She needed a mother who would give her the world and I knew I could not while he kept his thumb pressed firmly on my head.
Yes, the relationship was volatile, I had my moments, my outbursts but I put them down to frustration. I put them down to the fact I was a new mother, I had to struggle like all first time mothers do. Alone, since he rarely wanted me to spend time with any friends and going home to my family was basically a banned subject. I didn’t have PND, I had the common baby blues. My life had been turned upside down and the person I was supposed to rely on to help never did. I put all my savings into a house and furniture.. I saw none of it when I left save some deposit. Yet after I left he told me I planned this, that I used him to have a child. That me leaving had nothing to do with him.. I know that I was in love with him, yes I don’t love him anymore.. how can I after all he did to me? Although I did for a long time after, until I started opening up about what happened. I clung onto the idea that he’d change now I’d left.. but he didn’t.. he got worse.
I don’t want to go into more details than that, it’s horrible to relive but I thought for the sake of the idea behind the post i’d include a little bit about what happened in my situation. I am aware that no two domestic abuse cases are the same and not one is worse than other to the person it’s happening to. All domestic abuse is wrong, all domestic abuse is terrible to deal with.
But you can get out.. yes you may well have scars you’ll carry with you all your life but you deserve better. No one deserves or asks for it. I know this now. I didn’t behave any different in that relationship than in any previous relationships, yet those men never felt the need to treat me this way.. I was a good girlfriend and for the little support I have had I raised a wonderful clever child, yet I didn’t believe I was anything back then and still sometimes to this day. He made me feel so worthless. But it’s not just men who are the abusers.. more and more women are abusive towards their partners than have been in the past (or maybe these men are just finally coming forward?) Domestic abuse isn’t suffered only by women and more people need to be aware of this.
Tell someone, make sure you have somewhere safe to go. There are refuges for women, safe houses or go to your family or friends. Go to the police.. something I didn’t do and I often regret. If there are children involved, get a good solicitor.. the laws are changing but you can still make sure you and your child/children are safe. You are not alone, someone will believe you and you can get help.
I’m twenty four years old with all this baggage.. there is a chance he’s taken away my ability to trust whole heartedly.. I’d like to believe out there I still get the chance of a happy ending. But not now, not for a long while. He destroyed my confidence to the point I feel anxious a lot of the time especially in big groups and even more so around me. I struggle to deal with anyone who has drank to excess to the point I become fearful. And the paranoia.. I used to be paranoid but this is extreme, I’m always glancing over my shoulder. I have been told that some of this might never go away. That I might always have trust issues and I might always be over cautious but I hope in time I can regain my confidence.. that I can look in the mirror and see someone worth while again. It took me years after being incessantly bullied at school to become a confident young woman, and just as it had, he snatched it away again. But I’m ever hopeful.
Please, please read about Domestic Violence. I plan on raising money to help some charities dedicated to raising awareness of violence in the home later on in the year because this is a cause close to my heart. Starting today I want to point you in the direction of a non-profit initiative helping get essentials to women suffering from domestic violence, Give and Make Up.
Give and Make Up aren’t asking for you to give money, they’re asking for every day essentials for women such as make up, moisturiser, tooth brush, clothes, body lotion, shampoo.. well you get the picture, along with baby essentials. I’m half way through make a large box up to donate of unused extras I got for Christmas and lotions my daughter is allergic to with her very sensitive skin. This is something we could all do.. we all have those extras lying around we know we’ll never use and what better way than giving it to women who need it most? I know personally that even the smallest thing to do with beauty would of made my day on the day I had a fat lip or a scratch on my neck.. you have no idea how much of a confidence boost that would of been! Please please please consider making a donation to Give and Make Up, every package no matter how small will be appreciated! Thank you.
http://www.mensadviceline.org.uk/mens_advice.php
I honestly never thought i’d be one of those one in four women.. but I am and despite all i’ve been through I hope it’s made me a better person. I haven’t written this for sympathy, I don’t need sympathy. I’ve written this for me and to try and raise awareness about Domestic Abuse.
27 Comments
Rhiannon
Such a brave post to write and well done on getting out of there and doing what is best for you and your daughter, neither of you deserve a life where you have to be scared. It’s always good to write these things out sometimes as it can feel like a weight has been lifted.
Hopefully one day you and your daughter will have a lovely house all to yourselves and an amazing life
Rhiannon x
Amy Marie
Thank you Rhiannon, that is my future aim!
Sam
Amy you are AMAZING- your daughter will have a better life because of your strength. I’ve heard of Give & Make Up, I think what they do is fantastic- I had a massive clear out of beauty products I have never used a few weeks ago & I put a bunch of stuff aside to send to them but this post has spurred me on to get them all packaged up & posted off. x x x
Amy Marie
Thank you Sam, it’s such a worthy cause and even if only one of my followers sends a package to Give & Make Up, I know at least I’ll have helped!
LynseyMac
This is such a brave post to have written, well done on having the courage to do it. I’m sure it will bring hope and comfort to anyone who is going through this sort of situation. It’s such an important issue to raise, and as hard as I imagine it was to write, I think it shows that you’re already a braver and stronger person than you think you are, no matter how paranoid you may feel – your little girl is very lucky to have you!
Lynsey xx
http://allsortsandanecdotes.blogspot.co.uk
Amy Marie
Thank you Lynsey, I have such wonderful support and that has really helped. I hope I can help someone in the same way by offering my support.
Kate
Oh lovely, I just want to give you the biggest hug after reading this. Domestic abuse is an awful thing to have lived through I’ve had instances in my own past that were pretty grim and it took everything I had to drag myself free and try and put myself back together again afterwards. But this was way before I had my children, I admire you so much for being brave enough to put your daughter first and get help. Within my job I work with victims of domestic abuse and it breaks my heart that in so many instances women are pulled back into a life they desperately want to escape. In so many cases they just can’t muster the strength to break free, they think they deserve the way they’re being treated, or (and this makes my blood boil the most) they think it’s their fault for provoking their partner. No one deserves to be treated that way. Ever.
You are so incredibly brave to have posted this, braver still for getting yourselves out of the situation you were in and I admire you endlessly for it.
Love,
Kate xx
Amy Marie
It’s so nice that people are willing to tell me about their stories, I had a couple of girls approach me on twitter about it and it’s made me feel really great. It’s awful you had to go through it but it’s good you got away and now you have your two beautiful girls. You give me hope that i’ll go on and rebuild my life!
Kirsty M
Amy pal, I’m so proud of you for writing this. You are incredibly brave, and whilst I know it was really difficult for you to write this and find the courage to post it, I think it’s so important and inspiring that you have. It’s obviously an important issue to raise and tackle, but I think it’s also so important for you and your daughter that you are acknowledging this horrible aspect of your life and you’re not scared or ashamed to talk about it. I think you’re really brave and I’m really glad we had the chance to meet up in person and talk about this too! Your wee girl will have a great life with such a strong mamma 🙂 xxx
Amy Marie
Thank you Kirsty! I know you’ve heard all this and more already! You’ve been so supportive in the short time i’m known you 🙂
Y
You are exceptionally brave for speaking out about your experiences. I too fell victim to an abusive relationship and looking back I have no idea how I ever got into that situation. *hugs*
Y | techbunny.net/ x
Amy Marie
I feel the same, I look back now and i’m horrified I let it go on for so long. I’m glad you got away from it and are better for it now.
Beth
Such a brave post… sending you a virtual hug! You were so brave to walk away from it all so that your daughter could have a better life. I’ll definitely have a look into the Give and Make Up charity, what a great cause x
Amy Marie
Thank you. Please do. I’m hoping so many more people will donate as we all have unwanted beauty products lying around that could go to people who need them most!
Belle du Brighton
You are an amazingly strong, brave and awesome person. I cant iamgine how hard it must have been to sit down and write that, and if you have helped just one person then its for a good cause, but I am sure it will help everyone who reads it, even if they are not in the same/similar position, it will better equip them to perhaps notice the signs with someone else.
I have only had one relationship that even verged on this kind of behaviour, and it was nowhere near this extreme and luckily ended neatly, but I sometimes wonder what it would’ve been like had I not left when I did.
Stay Strong xx
Amy Marie
We all think about the what ifs, it was good that you got out before it could progress to anything worse. Now I know there is no certain kind of people that can suffer at the hand of someone who loves them, I never thought for one second it would be me.
Kloe.
You’re so brave writing this post for the world to see, I’m pleased you’ve found the courage to do so, I want to give you loads of hugs. 🙂 (That sounds really weird but I mean it in a comforting way 🙂 ) I’m sure this post will make many others realise and help them seek help, it’s really inspirational. Your daughter has such a strong and amazing mother.
I hope you stay strong,sending hugs 🙂
Kloe xx
http://haveacupofteawithkloe.blogspot.co.uk/
Amy Marie
Thank you Khloe. I hope that it will give other people the courage to leave, no one should have to suffer anything like this. No one deserves it. I’d love to be an inspiration but in all honesty I just want to raise awareness!
daisychain
Oh sweetheart, you are so brave and I just want to give you the biggest cuddle ever xxx
Amy Marie
Thank you Laura, a cuddle off you would be great especially as I think you are super brave too!
Sana Sadiq
Heyy!!!!
You have such an impressive blog 🙂 Just came across your blog via #bbloggers blog and truely
loved it. Its always been so nice to meet with a person who shares the same passion like me .
I am following you now with a name Sana Sadiq .
My Blog: http://sunniewrites.blogspot.com
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Facebook Page : http://www.facebook.com/SunnieWritesABlog
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would love if you follow me back <3 <3 <3 xxxx
Regards,
Sana
Amy Marie
Thank you for your lovely comment!
Ren
Wow, I cannot imagine how that must have been for you, not only fearing for your own safety, but that of your child. You are stronger than you think and I admire you for speaking out. x
Amy Marie
Thank you. I really hope by sharing my experiences it can help someone out there in a similar situation!
Andie Chambers
Hi there! I like your blog very much. I’d like to invite you to my blog connected with fight against eating disorders, cause i think we shouldn’t be silent about that. Of course you can find here also mode, make-up, opinions, advices, photos, daily stories, healthy recipes etc. You can trust me you will find something you will like.If you’ll like it really much, you can become my new follower. Hope to visit me soon. Have a very nice time. xoxxx Andie
http://www.andie-chambers.blogspot.cz
Amy Marie
I agree, something else that really needs tackled, I’ll head over to your blog now.
Christina L
Hi, So sorry to hear all this. You have approached it so well, must be so hard for you. 🙁 be proud though for sharing because you can inspire others to get out of the same situation. Love your blog. Sorry I don’t know what to say, no one should have to deal with this shit in their lives. It must of been hell. 🙁 chin up and hope things are getting better for you. x